


Dreamers and Takers

by lastingbloom



Category: DBSK | Tohoshinki | TVfXQ | TVXQ
Genre: Distress, Violence, anti-fan
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-27
Updated: 2016-04-27
Packaged: 2018-06-04 20:00:49
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,055
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6673612
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lastingbloom/pseuds/lastingbloom
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The boys are dreamers but what happens when everything comes to a halt? What if they lose a member? </p><p>「Time has stopped for them but outside, out there, Shim Changmin is the face of every news article and the talk of every news reporter: Dong Bang Shin Ki’s Choikang Changmin remains in critical condition after a near fatal stab wound and has fallen into a coma. Life seemingly moves on, headlines flash, people read the articles, fans cry, they sleep, they cry some more but a new day begins, people go to work, go to school, babies are born, weddings proceed, joy persists, everything and everyone carries on.」</p>
            </blockquote>





	Dreamers and Takers

This is the inside of their van: walls laced with memories-fragments of time that are known only to them. It has tan seats, empty bottles, old wrappers and sneaky food stains. In the back, new and used napkins are crumpled inside the compartment next to the cup holder. Under the middle left seat there is an old sock, one half to a favorite pair (the owner had looked for it for weeks). In the front, the passenger side door holds a few books with promises to read them. And sometimes, five sleepy figures sink into the seats, bodies contorted into the sleeping positions they had found to be the least ache inducing after years of trial and error.

Their near daily and most definitely once weekly trip from Seoul to Tokyo takes place much like this: Rush. In. Out. Push. Be pushed. Look straight ahead. Walk. Escalator. Pause. Walk. In. Out. Today would be no different.

This is the outside of their van: their names chanted like prayer-they are Dong Bang Shin Ki, gods, their fans boast. Hundreds of fan girls swarm, eyes staring, bodies racing, mouths screaming, hearts thumping, and cameras flashing. Jaejoong steps through the airport doors first, Yunho behind him, Yoochun following, then finally Junsu and Changmin side by side. A few members of airport security surround them, a loose safety net. They try to walk swiftly through the all too familiar airport, carrying with them the burden of mass chaos. Fans encroach at alarming speed, each one a picket to the human fence that encircles the members like prey.

 

Yunho quickly scans left and then right. They have about ten seconds to walk as fast as they can towards the escalator. Earlier this morning Jaejoong had convinced Yunho to wear aviators whilst he put on his own pair of dark and face covering sunglasses. Yunho fixes his aviators as the bodies close in.

Yoochun has his hands in the pockets of his khaki shorts, music in his ears drowning out the screams of mixed adoration and hysteria. Staring at the ground Junsu realizes Yoochun is wearing sandals again. He makes a mental note to tell Yoochun that the fans are probably all taking pictures of his sandal clad feet and that by the time they reach Japan, pictures will be posted everywhere online. He leans to nudge Changmin about Yoochun’s nearly bare feet, already knowing how their youngest would react. His elbow unexpectedly meets the air instead. Junsu quickly turns his head and sees Changmin crouching, arms stretched out to pick something up off the ground. He tries his best to turn all the way around, waving for Changmin to catch up.

Changmin curses himself for letting his passport slip through his fingers. He tries to reach for it as quickly as he can, the only comfort being that they are so close to the escalator where they are finally separated from the rampant fans. He grasps the passport, feeling instantly relieved just as he peers up to see Junsu waving for him to hurry up. Changmin does want to catch up-he wants to, he really, really, does. And for the past thousand times they’ve walked through this airport he makes it, all of them do, onto the plane they go. But today, at this time, he doesn’t.

The last thing Changmin feels is the impact of the cold airport floor as he falls onto his knees. The last thing Changmin hears is Junsu’s bloodcurdling scream. The last faces Changmin sees are his band members hovering over him, frantic expressions written on their pale faces.

Junsu has Changmin cradled in his arms, calling out to his members, shrieking in sheer horror. Yunho whips around, charging in reverse against the moving escalator upon hearing the shrill of Junsu’s voice. Yoochun fumbles for his phone as Yunho runs past him to their fallen member. Jaejoong grabs him by the arm as they dash to where Changmin is.

“GET AWAY FROM US!!!” Jaejoong yells voice bellowing to the unrelenting crowd.

Yunho has his cellphone pressed between his shoulder and his ear calling for an ambulance, both hands trembling as he tries to soothingly brush Changmin’s hair back away from his face.

Yoochun settles next to Junsu, his eyes immediately glued to Changmin’s chest, crying harder with each rise and fall.

“Oh God, Changmin, Changmin, Changmin."

Changmin closes his eyes just as Jaejoong vows, voice shattering through the airport, to kill whoever did this to his dear magnae.

The last thing Changmin wants to tell them is that he can’t even feel the wound there in his back, doesn’t even know he is bleeding profusely, that he didn’t even feel the blade breaking his skin and puncturing his insides on its way back out,

“Hyung, it doesn’t hurt,” he wants to say.

 

\------

Yunho has to pick Junsu up off the airport floor, arms wrapped around his black blazer. The leader puts his hands on either sides of Junsu’s head, thumbs on his cheeks, squeezing just a bit.

“Junsu, I need you to walk,” Yunho instructs him, voice soft and trying his best to stay in control.

They slip into the awaiting police car.

“Sir, can you drive a bit faster,” Jaejoong seethes daring the police officer to not speed up, his broad shoulders glowering, ready to sprout wings that will get him to Changmin faster.

The car barely comes to stop at the emergency entrance before Yoochun opens the side door. They sprint after the paramedics, Changmin strapped to the stretcher. Hospital staff rush to block the emergency room doors. Yoochun begs them to please just let him see Changmin. Jaejoong finally grabs hold of Yoochun, locking Yoochun in his arms, his own tears silently falling. He turns a struggling Yoochun around just as Changmin’s family arrives. His mother demands answers, why, why, why. Their manager apologizes repeatedly and Changmin’s mother begins to weep.

 

Time has stopped for them but outside, out there, Shim Changmin is the face of every news article and the talk of every news reporter: Dong Bang Shin Ki’s Choikang Changmin remains in critical condition after a near fatal stab wound and has fallen into a coma. Life seemingly moves on, headlines flash, people read the articles, fans cry, they sleep, they cry some more but a new day begins, people go to work, go to school, babies are born, weddings proceed, joy persists, everything and everyone carries on.

But on the inside, the weight of Changmin in Junsu’s arms is never lifted. He feels the way Changmin laid, back heavy and limp on his leg. So different from the way Changmin would roll over and crush him after winning a video game, tall frame pinning Junsu on their living room floor, victory laugh filling the apartment. Sometimes, Yoochun would hear and come out and lay on top of Changmin just for the sake of it. And on some days when Changmin hollered enough about how bony Yoochun was, Jaejoong would come strolling in (boots from Japan still on) and flop right on top. Usually on such days, Yunho found it incredibly hard to maintain the leader facade and joined in, a handsome sundae cherry. Yet, even while on the bottom and almost completely flattened, Junsu laughed in between protests, sharing a small happiness with his four best friends was weightless as could be.

And inside, Junsu can still feel the blood in his jeans from that day seeping into his skin. When he showers he still sees the dark stains on his thighs, can even feel how the blood had dried because for a week after, they had refused to leave Changmin’s side. What if he woke up they had thought. They had wanted to be right there to hold his hand when he opened his eyes and whisper soothingly to him, “Changminnie, we’re right here.” On the eighth day, their parents had finally forced them to return home for a change of clothes. Junsu had peeled off his jeans and quietly thrown them in the wastebin. He stood with shaky legs under the shower peering down at his stained skin. Junsu felt his legs giving out and braced himself against the wall, slowly sitting down. He weakly rubbed the soap on his skin and watched the suds wash away. That was what day eight was like and day nine and ten and eleven…but to Junsu each day is just one more without Changmin.

On day forty-four, flowers line the sidewalk around their apartment and the hospital, symbols of condolence from fans and non-fans alike. They send their flowers and drop off their letters but Jaejoong could care less, at least not anymore. He just wants a shower before heading back to the hospital but not before bouquets are thrust in his face followed by a chorus of wails declaring their devotion to Changmin’s recovery and how they care so much. Jaejoong pushes through, irritation rising as he has to step over new vases of flowers seemingly strategically placed so that he can’t walk through. He pushes the flowers shoved in face onto the ground and knocks over a few vases wishing the incessant crying would just stop. They instead only cry louder and harder, understanding that Jaejoong is angry but conflicted because all they want is to show they care. But this is how much Jaejoong can take. He kicks whatever pile of letters or flowers are in front of him, hands formed into fists and warns, “He isn’t even dead, stop sending your flowers like this is a fxxxing funeral.” He wants to go on and tell them that they couldn’t possibly miss Changmin like he does, like the members do. Perhaps he knows they miss Changmin just as much as he. But that warm corner of his heart once reserved for fans is now a distant memory, growing further away every time he looks at Changmin.

He slams the apartment door shut, keys thrown on their jade kitchen table. Jaejoong stares at the table listening to the missing chatter. The stinging in his right hand reminds him that punching a few holes in the wall is not nearly enough. Walls never punch back or chase him through the apartment or slap him repeatedly. Walls never clap with both hands laughing whole heartedly, never smile with mismatched eyes or whine about how Jaejoong doesn’t cook as much as he used to. No, walls don’t because only Changmin does one-touch. A hole in the wall never hurts like the growing-boy fist of his soulfighter.

Yunho sits in the overused chair next to Changmin’s hospital bed. He spends his days calculating their dreams and their sacrifices up until that very moment, tries to figure how it came to this but nothing ever adds up. Yunho replays their endless rehearsals, Changmin’s hair drenched with sweat, dark strands curling right around his ears and forehead. He remembers calling for a break during a difficult group recording session. The older three quickly filed out but he noticed Changmin's slowing steps, both his fists rubbing away tears, cheeks pink with shame. Yunho pulled the youngest in by the elbow. He couldn't confess he wanted to cry too so he instead spoke bravely, feeling Changmin's chin against his shoulder, nodding gently and so very trustingly in reply. He wonders if being brave had gotten them here. If Dong Bang Shin Ki gave up years ago, would Changmin be lying in a coma like this?

Yunho holds Changmin's hand against the hospital sheet. He recalls touring on an unhealed ankle. Everyone had shouted extra cheers his way but it was Changmin's soft pats and fleeting grips that made it bearable for him. Quiet moments, it's always quiet moments with Changmin. And in that quiet, grew a steadiness, "Hyung came to depend on you, Changmin." Yunho knows it's selfish but he's asking Changmin to be brave once again.

Jaejoong walks in with clean towels and a pail of water for Changmin’s bath. In the beginning they had watched the nurses, afraid to touch Changmin but now, they wanted to do at least this for him. Sometimes they make a few comments about how much Changmin would object if he were to wake up in the middle of a sponge bath. Thinking of this only almost makes them smile.

Yunho is careful shaving Changmin’s facial hair. He wonders if the nurses will agree to giving Changmin a haircut? It brings a small pang to his heart, wanting to laugh but unable to, when he remembers, “You always do sweat the most”, Yunho pats his full head of hair. They finish and tuck the blankets around him as Yoochun and Junsu walk in with dinner. They sit around the small table near the window. This is their life now, here in his room where they are just five boys, waiting to rise again.

 

\-----

They are so young everyone says. How unfair it is for this to happen and how unfortunate it is for Changmin who has so much left to give. They say it would be wise to slowly resume their normal lives and even continue on as a four member band. But when a dream breaks, the scattered pieces are never smooth around the edges. What is there to conquer when every success can only be divided into four and not five? They close their ears and safely guard the shards of a broken destiny in the palms of their hands.

“Changminnie, you’ll wake up tomorrow,” They say to him each night.

 

For the first two weeks Yoochun cried day and night, eyes almost swelled shut. Jaejoong had to threaten to sedate him before he finally stopped. When the nurses encourage them to leave Changmin’s bedside, Yoochun almost cannot bear it. He imagines how Changmin would feel hearing such insensitive suggestions. To alleviate this Yoochun carefully curates playlists on Changmin's ipod, adding a few favorites of his own to let Changmin know how he feels. When the nurses come in he quickly puts the earbuds into Changmin’s ears. Sometimes he steals one earbud, sharing the ipod like they always used to. A solo guitar piece comes on reminding Yoochun that they both had wanted to learn to play guitar. He even shares a secret song he composed, promising to wait for Changmin’s input before showing it to the others.

“I appreciate your advice, you know that right?”

Yoochun looks at their grown-up Changmin and remembers how the same boy from Hug nodded his head, inserted a few too many bows and always said yes. After a few years, Changmin had finally stopped looking at the ground when they pressed him for his thoughts. Yoochun thinks they haven't even seen all of Changmin yet.

He quickly slips the earbuds into Changmin’s ears as the doctors enter the room. The doctors say if Changmin were to come out of his coma he would have by now. They say they want to move him into a long term care facility because there is nothing else they can do for him. Everyone listens as they watch him, eyes closed, seemingly just sleeping after a long day on stage. His parents are here with them, gathered around the bed, afraid to look up into each other’s eyes. They try to swallow the bitter future but it is just too unfair. Jaejoong leaves the room but not before Yunho tries to hold him back for the sake of respecting the moment. Yunho whispers an apology before following after Jaejoong.

He grabs Jaejoong and Jaejoong reacts just as forcefully, shoving him against the nearest wall. Yunho doesn’t think before he lurches back, hands on Jaejoong’s shoulders, slamming him into the opposite wall.

“What are you doing?”

“What are _you_ doing? Don’t test me, Yunho.”

Yunho doesn’t loosen his hold, pushing Jaejoong harder against the wall.

“Why do you always do this? Acting out?” Yunho asks but Jaejoong looks away.

“Me? Only me? Are you not standing here right now?” Jaejoong pushes all the right buttons.

“You know what I mean.”

“We did it your way remember? You were laying in some hospital bed just like Changmin. Even after drinking superglue, you just had to be righteous, no, don’t press charges, let her go. Remember Yunho? We begged you to press charges, remember how Changmin pleaded?”

“You should stop talking right now.”

“And now look what happened! Just had to let her go, just had to pave the way!”

Yunho punches Jaejoong and gives the lead singer exactly what he needs. Jaejoong immediately reacts, fist meeting Yunho with even greater force. Every ounce of anger in Jaejoong pouring out. Yunho wants to use his words but Jaejoong knowingly refuses to let him. They struggle onto the floor, Jaejoong landing on top. Yunho reaches up and grabs onto both Jaejoong’s arms trying to hold him back. Jaejoong fights back, pushing Yunho into the floor, tears mixing with his bleeding lip.

They finally hear Yoochun bawling, arms weakly hugging Jaejoong from behind. He pleads for them to stop, breathing through snot and tears. Jaejoong tries to shake him off, muscles losing their will by the second. Junsu slowly kneels down taking Yunho and Jaejoong’s hands in his, nose pinched as he cries. He squeezes their hands as if to say they are all on one side. Jaejoong finally gets off of Yunho, immediately taking a look at Yunho’s new black eye.

“Don’t do that again,” Yoochun warns in a tear strained voice.

Junsu nods as they stay seated, completely worn down in front of Changmin’s hospital room. They walk in after Changmin’s parents leave, heads down in embarrassment knowing they had heard what happened.

 

The nurses look in, as does the outside, and see four boys waiting for a miracle. They tell the boys that their miracle will not wake up to be the person they once knew. Everyone wants the best for them, for them to move on.

What they don’t see are five boys suspended in time. There is no future and only a glorified past. Memories dwell in their heavy hearts, feet stuck in the mud of yesterday. Letting go is easy to say but how could they do that to Changmin? Will someone please give them the answer?

So they leave the world they worked tirelessly to create because there is no resolution. On some days they think of where they will go or what they will do when he wakes. Perhaps they will finally take that second trip to Bora Bora and chase each other across the beach and into the waves. On other days they don’t know what will happen or what they’re waiting for. The only thing they do know is they can’t imagine singing without him.

This is really how it ends. They aren’t alive nor are they dead. One was taken and all five went down.

“Changminnie, you’ll wake up tomorrow.”

 

\------

“Wake up! Wake up! We gotta go!” Quick hands peel back his blanket.

He groans, arms blindly batting away the noisy wake-up call. Changmin opens his eyes to see Junsu laughing at him from the end of the bed. He jerks to a sitting position, heart thumping faster than he has ever felt it before and stumbles down the bed to hug a stunned Junsu.

“Is something wrong?” Junsu asks hugging back the unusually affectionate Changmin.

Changmin shakes his head and holds Junsu even tighter.

“Okay, okay, okay, my back, my back!” Junsu squeals.

Changmin lets go of him upon hearing the rest of the members in the kitchen. He sprints to make sure he is in fact using his legs. Yunho and Jaejoong raise their eyebrows as Changmin takes a seat.

“What’s with you this morning?” Junsu asks following behind him.

Changmin doesn’t know if he wants to laugh or cry. He stretches his arms and wiggles his fingers.

“I just had the weirdest dream, we were walking through the airport,” Changmin begins but decides to keep the scariest part to himself.

They all stare at him as he finishes, including Yoochun who had finally come out of his sleep confusion. Changmin nods his head as he stuffs more rice into his mouth. He struggles to chew and smile at the same time. “And then Yunho hyung and Jaejoong hyung punched each other and everyone was crying and I was in coma.” Yunho hands him a cup of water, unsure of what to say.

Jaejoong brings his hands together and smiles quite creepily, “What Changmin is trying to say is that he absolutely can't stand to live without seeing our handsome faces for even one day!” They look at Jaejoong and then to Changmin who is nodding in agreement. Changmin smiles, cheeks raised high complete with sparkling just-debuted eyes so they hold back the teasing and continue with breakfast as usual.

 

Changmin sits in the living room and watches his members scramble to pack for the next few days in Japan. He already has his ‘everything’ bag (purse) ready to go. When it’s almost time to leave Yunho sits down next to him, hand on his knee and squeezes just a bit.

“I can’t tell what you’re thinking just by looking at your face you know.”

“I’m not Yoochun hyung,” Changmin replies but it comes out less cheeky than he intended.

Yunho nods but sighs.

“I heard you!” Yoochun yells from the bathroom.

Jaejoong makes sure to latch onto him as they get into the elevator but today he doesn’t fight the oldest member off his arm.

“Our baby,” Jaejoong coos loudly.

 

Junsu and Yoochun pinch his cheeks just for added effect when they reach the van. Changmin lets them and quietly savors their gentle comforting tactics. As they near the airport Changmin tells himself that it was all just a dream but he wonders if maybe one of them will hold his hand. He contemplates on telling them what really happened but the van door opens and they are ushered into the airport.

Jaejoong steps through the airport doors first, Yunho behind him, Yoochun following, then finally Junsu and Changmin side by side. Changmin tries to calm the thumping in his chest and presses closer to Junsu, arms touching. It only takes a couple seconds before they are separated amongst security and the rampant fans. Changmin focuses on the passport in his hand, refusing to believe in déjà-vu and wonders why he hadn’t just left it in his bag. He curses himself and clenches the passport as tightly as he can.

Up ahead, Yoochun wears sandals and khaki shorts, hands in his pockets. Junsu catches sight of the sandals and thinks about all the pictures that will be posted following their departure. He pouts realizing Changmin had fallen behind so he can’t even crack a joke at Yoochun’s expense. Yunho and Jaejoong step onto the escalator, sunglasses covering their tired eyes.

Changmin’s head begins to pound as he walks faster, ignoring the security guard next to him. He is only a few strides from Junsu now. Junsu turns around and begins to lift his arm up to wave for Changmin to hurry up. Just then the crowd pushes extra hard and Changmin sees Junsu's passport propel from his hand still mid-motion. His heart drops.

Changmin runs to retrieve the passport unwilling to let Junsu reach for it. The blood pumping in his ears drown out the entire airport as he kneels and grasps for the pass. The fans erupt in screams as they witness him drop to the ground. Junsu is suddenly at his side, hands around his arm, tugging for him to stand. He pulls Changmin through the crowd just as the other three are running, nearly halfway down the escalator. They protectively huddle around him on their way back up, telling him to never ever try that again. Junsu asks if his knees are okay.

“Hyung, it doesn’t hurt,” Changmin responds reassuringly.

Yunho initiates an impromptu group hug, finally satisfied when he hears Changmin’s familiar groan. This is where he belongs, with his members, coerced into sappy group bonding and pretending he doesn’t enjoy every moment of it. This is who they are, just five boys living one dream.

Changmin never tells them the details but he has a feeling they already know.

 

 

 

 


End file.
